Are you ready for the third part of this series? I do warn you that it’s about to get tough, and it’s one of the reasons I left this post for a few days. Because, let me tell you… it’s hard for me to write, and revisit those months. But I promised to share my story from broken to glory. If you haven’t read the first two posts, I really recommend you do, as it will give you a clearer picture as we embark on this journey. So start with Entering The Refiners Fire and then Pain In The Fire.
So, I ended the last post with the statement… I broke.
And I Did. I finally went to a doctor that prescribed me medication for my anxiety and to help with the pain my body was feeling. I hate medication and haven’t taken anything in over a decade, so for me to agree… well, I felt I had nowhere else to go. I was drowning in emotions, confusion and pain and I couldn’t see a way out of it. What I also didn’t realise is that I had spiralled into a deep depression and could no longer see the sunlight. It’s such a lonely place to be and even though I had people just telling me to think of the things i’m grateful for and to just pray… When you’re in depression, that isn’t something you can just walk out of with the click of your fingers. It’s a journey and a hard journey, that takes time and massive effort to conquer.
For two weeks, I was on medications and I actually thought that maybe, they would work. I had a new doctor who was looking into why I was in so much pain, and for the first time… I felt hope. But then one morning, I woke up and just didn’t feel right. I decided to take a shower and refresh myself. The moment I stepped under the water… my life spiralled and I didn’t even see it coming.
My mind broke.
Yep, you read that right. This is so hard to share, because if you know me, I’m the one that everyone goes to with their troubles. I’m the one that walks out of every storm with a new found strength. No one, not even me thought I was capable of losing my mind. But it happened.
I was so flooded with fear and dread, and thoughts rushing through my mind, I could barely get out of the shower. I called my husband who was away begging him to come home, because I couldn’t function. I couldn’t think rationally, I couldn’t stop crying and pacing and all my energy went to trying to fight thoughts that were not my own.
My husband rang my doctor and she told him to get me off the meds asap. If I could explain to you how horrific those three days were, I would but I have no words to describe what it’s like to lose your mind. How it takes every ounce of energy, 24 hours a day to fight against the words and thoughts that enter your mind. The fear that you can’t live like that. The agony of wondering if you will wind up in an institution trapped in your own mind.
But let me tell, you I had the most amazing support system in my husband and doctor. They reminded me that I was rational and that I could get through this. I didn’t believe them at first, but I held onto God and prayed almost every second of the day for Him to help me.
I want to say that after those three days, things went back to normal, but they didn’t. The very fact I lost my mind ramped up my fear that it would happen again at any second. I had become afraid of myself, so I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t be around people, my anxiety was all day, every day. Depressions was so heavy and on top of all of that, my body was still in severe pain. And the saddest part… I lost memories. My husband would mention certain events and I couldn’t remember them. Even scriptures I had memorised… gone. And yet, Two scriptures remained, one I didn’t even remember ever memorising. Psalm 91 and The Lords prayer.
I would repeat them over and over again, day and night because at this time, I couldn’t watch tv, listen to music, read… I couldn’t focus on anything but those two. And I thank God for never leaving me through that time, even if I couldn’t stop long enough to even hear him.
It wasn’t until three months later, I broke down and told God, I couldn’t fight anymore. I needed help and I needed Him to help me. Those three months of fighting in my own strength were the hardest of my life. Trying to show up for my family, my friends and continue to do the daily things, were almost impossible. By this time I had finally found out what was going on in my body.
I was diagnosed with Epstein Barr Virus, Fibromyalgia, Osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis, along with chronic fatigue. Sad part was, I could no longer take meds of any kind, because my mind and body just will not tolerate them.
So… back to what I was saying, I pleaded with God to take over, because I couldn’t see myself living the way I was living and being in continuous fight for my mind day and night. And then… he sent me the solutions I needed. The resources that would pull me through. And the brain surgery would begin…
*Thank you so much for journeying with me. This has been a hard series to write, and I pray someone, somewhere needs to read this and follow along. I pray you are encouraged by my story. I have two more posts to go as I condense this story. If you love this little ministry, please share and help others discover it too or consider becoming a paid supporter, and help Little Sparrow Loved continue to encourage those that need to be encouraged. This is my Full-time job and I am so thankful for all your support. Love Sarah, x.
Click to read the next post Resources In The Refine.
Thank you so much for journeying with me and for valuing my words. Your support means the world to me, and it's through your encouragement that I find the strength to keep sharing my experiences and insights. I'm not focused on algorithms or numbers, but rather on reaching those whom God needs us to reach.
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So relate, Lovely one🥹. Thank you for putting into words your experience of being broken. (I'm more of a reader and lurker on Substack 😁, so ... thank God for your gift of writing) Comforting to know we are not alone.