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Pain In The Fire
Yesterday, I began this journey by writing a little about the beginning of my refined by fire journey. If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend you do so before continuing so you get the full picture. Click here to read Entering The Refiners Fire and then click back through to this part. So… I finished off with me ending my walk and sitting in my car in February 2020, where I prayed, “Lord, I know there is more you want from me. Refine me.” I left the parking lot that day and didn’t think much more about. As if I had thrown the words out there, without my plea impacting me all that much.
I remember a few days later, I got really sick and couldn’t even get out of bed for a week, and it took me another two weeks to even gain a little energy to do daily life. But like the mother I am, I did the best I could to look after the children and do the chores. But my body was in so much pain. It started in the shoulders, then moved into my chest. Within months, pain was affecting my upper body and I was beyond exhausted. Even waking up and to get moving became almost unbearable. I had no idea what was going on, but I was scared. I felt as if I was dying, every limb refusing to cooperate, my mind foggy, massive aura migraines, and new symptoms daily.
Then, Covid put the world into lockdown. Living in Victoria, Australia our premiere went to extremes and locked our state down under harsh terms. My children were now being homeschooled, and because we refused to take the jab we were locked out of society. I wasn’t even allowed to shop for children’s shoes or get them haircuts. I felt completely isolated by friends and family who didn’t support our stand. To see a doctor was even harder. Not being jabbed, meant I was not allowed in the clinic and no matter how much I begged for scans, I was refused. Being that we also were not allowed to work our business took a massive hit. Between homeschooling, running my graphic design business, living in pain, looking at covid plastered across social media and the news… I wasn’t coping.
Over and over, I was getting sick and the pain throughout my body was beginning to make me not want to wake up in the morning. I spent endless nights crying out to God. I didn’t understand why my life was where it was at. I struggled to even write for Little Sparrow Loved, I couldn’t pay attention to my children and I couldn’t feel that the Lord was with me anymore. Through all of this, my step father was in a nursing home due to Dementia and I couldn’t even see him because I wasn’t jabbed. I looked at my life, and wondered where it went so wrong.
My entire life had been one trauma after another. One let down after let down. One rejection after rejection. I was used to trauma. A child of multiple divorces, moving every few months, thirteen schools and double the house moves. Abuse. Rejection from my extended family, thirteen IVF tries. But through it all, I tucked it all away and still held onto my faith in God. I trusted through every trial He was with me. But this time, this season I was walking through… I struggled to even whisper His name in hope.
The cycle of pain, exhaustion, lack of finances and migraines continued. My weight ballooned and my exercise had ceased. I remember looking in the mirror at the run down person looking back at me and saying, “Who are you?” I didn’t even recognise myself anymore. I would try my hardest to appear to those around me that I was doing okay, that the past two years and the pandemic on top of that hadn’t affected me. That my walk with the Lord was still strong and I wasn’t struggling.
But the mask can only last so long.
Truth is, the pandemic had affected me. On top of everything else I was dealing with, those lockdowns had allowed a fear to enter I had never felt before. Every time my children coughed I would freak out. I became afraid of everything. I would think about every possible situation to happen if I left the house… if my children left the house. I didn’t trust the government… I was filled with fear and I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and prayed and prayed, but still I could not hear God’s voice. Then my step father passed. I didn’t get to see him and he had been a massive part of my life since I was a teenager. My world spiralled out of control with grief.
By the end of 2022 I began to have heart palpitations. At first they would happen maybe once or twice a day, then four or five times a day. Within months it was daily, almost all day. By this time I had visited quite a few doctors about the shape my body was in and one even told me it was all in my head. I had nowhere to go. I had come to a point where I just didn’t know how I was going to continue to wake up and do life. I couldn’t imagine growing old anymore.
January 2023 rolled around and I woke up one morning, already my heart was palpitating and I couldn’t catch my breath. I walked outside to my backyard and began to to just pace back and forward, clutching at my side in terrible pain and crying out to the Lord, I couldn’t do it anymore. My husband felt so helpless, he called my father to come and help. Right away my father loaded me into his car and took me to a doctors clinic and demanded I be seen. The doctor explained that I was having anxiety attacks and prescribed me medication. If you know me personally, I am not someone who takes medication and haven’t done so for over a decade, preferring to let my body and natural herbs do what they do best. But I was desperate, and agreed.
I want to to tell you that after three years of this, things were going to finally begin looking up. That I had been through the worst of it. I wish I could tell you that. But what if I told you, this was just the beginning of the refining fire, God was putting me through. That what was about to come would be the thing to make or break me.
What if I told you… I broke.
*Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me. I pray these posts are encouraging you in your own journey. Please share and encourage others too that may be walking in a wilderness season or struggling. And if you love this space, please consider becoming a paid supporter and helping Little Sparrow Loved continue to reach those that need to be encouraged.
Read the next post, In The Middle Of The Fire.