The time I was furious with God was when I was 13 years old and my baby sister had died. She was 1 day short of 5 weeks old. She was born with a rare liver disorder. The statistics of this was 1 in 1,000,000. What made it worse was that the disorder was supposed to be genetic. When my parents, their siblings and parents were tested the gene wasn't found in anyone. So Tracy was a genetic mutation. Those statics are 1 in 10,000,000. So as you can imagine we were devastated! We watched my Baby Sister deteriorating before our eyes. She was in Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis IN. The nurses, Doctors and Specialists that attended to my Sister were absolutely phenomenal! They did absolutely everything they could to help her. When they couldn't do anything else we waited until the day she passed away. We all knew that she went to Heaven because she didn't live long enough to sin. Of course our first reaction was to be FURIOUS with God for allowing all those injustices happen to a new born baby. Mom and Dad allowed biopsies to be done of her liver. There were 5 and they were sent all over the world with one staying at Riley. Fast forward to 3 years later. I was singing in a concert at my High School and Mom and Dad had a new healthy baby girl. Staci Jo was being fussy during the concert and Mom was shushing her. The family behind her told her that she wasn't bothering them. They enjoyed hearing her crying. They had a Grandson that was born with the same disorder that my baby sister Tracy was born with. The doctors were keeping him alive from studying a little girl (Tracy) liver sample. Unfortunately he had no quality of life. He wasn't able to cry. Fast forward to several years later. My daughter Danielle was rapidly loosing weight due to an acid reflux issue. At 6 months old her body was in total ketosis. The Specialist instantly looked into her liver. Needless to say it freaked me out. The Liver Specialist at Riley explained to me that my baby sister's (Tracy) disease was a manageable disease now thanks to the research that was done on Tracy's liver. We received 2 confirmations that Tracy Dawn Couchman's life (however short) wasn't in vain. God had a purpose for her even though we didn't see it at the time of her short existence and passing. Let's just say my perspective has changed on Tracy. At first we're praying continuously for her healing. Then the prayers turned to WHY!?!? After that thankful. God chose my family to endure watching Tracy be poked, tested and deteriorating. He felt we were strong enough to handle it. He chose my Sister to be a revolutionary in the medical field. And He gave us confirmation that her life was necessary to help others in the future. God laid it on my parents hearts to allow biopsies of her liver done. Even though they had just watch her be born, be sick, get tested and die all in a matter of weeks. I believe that this made us stronger.
Wow… just wow. I honestly have no words as to how powerful this story is. So completely heartbreaking and also a miracle. What a gift your sister was to your family and people all over the world. Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️❤️❤️
Your welcome. I miss her everyday. But I thank God that He let us have her for the short time we did. The researchers were able to learn so much from her but so did we.
I’m walking through this very thing right now. I prayed for my daughter and she died. She was 24..it was a year on March 24,2025 and I am angry..but, I’m hanging on with bloody fingertips
Oh Dawni, my heart is reaching out for yours right now. That’s such a hard road to walk and I want you to know I am so proud of you for taking it to God. He’s not fragile, He will hear it all. Keep holding on by those fingers lovely ❤️❤️❤️
Another good post. Thanks! I'm mindful that God gave us emotions - even our grief. I think much of the psalmists and their crying out to God. I resonate. I think of Job and his desperation, all while he is considered upright. But I'm also reminded that God doesn't "show up" until Chapter 38 of Job. God wants to change me MORE than He wants to change my circumstances.
Another of your deeply thought provoking writings Sarah.
They often cause me to stop….pause while I ask….God is that me?
It often is.
I’ve never really been a big questioner (maybe I was unsure what to ask, or scared of the answer) but in what has been a long winter season in my life, I very recently just sat, in the quiet, and knew that He could take not only my big questions, but the even bigger feelings.
As I poured out the pain and the questions of why, I felt Him.
In those dark hours, came out the grief I had been holding in for so long.
And I felt Him, truly felt Him, because that very raw version of me, was me.
I didn’t have to come in any other form.
Just a broken girl pouring out her heart in the safest place….His embrace.
Oh lovely, I think that’s the best way to go to Him. Sometimes I think He’s waiting for us to say what’s really going on, the truly ugly parts and all. I often find it’s when the best work begins ❤️❤️❤️
I have tended to be a present the best version of myself person, but I have moved away from that, and would rather just be the Child of God, walking an authentic walk, and wanting to represent His goodness and the longing of His heart to meet us where we are at.
For me, that has been the beginning of true healing.
The best version of myself to me, meant perfect. Always smiling, always available beyond capacity.
Now I ensure that I am never so busy that I can’t set aside time to spend with Him. To sit in the quiet and know He is God.
I am also going through this...not in the same way as others, but in my way. My way is how much I long to find a good man to share my life with; to be married. I am almost 41 and still waiting. I have dated men, several good men, but for some reason they have walked away. It feels like every time I get my hopes up, my heart ends up being crushed. I'd take any prayers that I could finally have this 15+ year prayer and desire fulfilled. Thank you for sharing this. It made me cry. Always love your posts. They are so real and raw.
That longing, that ache—it’s so real. I feel it in your words, and I just want to hold space for you in it. I know what it’s like to carry a deep, persistent prayer year after year, wondering if God sees, if He hears, if He will ever say “yes.” And I know how hard it is when hope rises, only to be met with heartbreak again.
I don’t have answers, but I do know this: your desire is not forgotten. You are not forgotten. The waiting can feel cruel, but it is never wasted in God’s hands. I am praying—praying for the right man, and for peace in the waiting, for joy that isn’t dependent on an outcome, and for the assurance that you are deeply loved and whole, even now.
Thank you for sharing your heart. You are seen. You are loved. And I’m standing with you in prayer.
I really really needed this one today. Life has felt so heavy for so long now and I've felt like I'm drowning. And it's so easy to be mad at God for letting it go on and on, with no end in sight. I like to remind myself that these may be times of refinement, to make me more like Him. And why wouldn't I want to be more like the creator and lover of my soul? So, I'll be mad for a little while, then cry to Him, and finally accept that this is all part of my testimony 🩷
Oh sister, I have been in this exact place. Where the refining feels almost unbearable and wondering if it will ever end. Take all of it to God, ad many times as you need, He doesn’t shy away. He will walk with you through it all and one day you will see. Praying for you ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Sarah, such a lovely post once again. Yes in my deepest desperation I felt I did feel the anger/resentment but immediately I was super scared that God will be annoyed at me for not putting my trust in Him. I was scared of being punished even or my prayers won't be heard. But our God is highly compassionate and merciful. He relents from doing harm. His plans are to prosper us. But then I immediately corrected myself and said I have seen his faithfulness in the past and He will come again! He does not change like shifting shadows. He is working behind the scenes...I prayed 'Lord, replace my fear with faith'
Sarah I can see how God has and is using your previous scars and your life's experiences in reaching out to others and being able to write these posts, which I can see are from the bottom of your heart. And only those who have experienced God's faithfulness will be able to reach out to others in the way you do. Thank you xx
The time I was furious with God was when I was 13 years old and my baby sister had died. She was 1 day short of 5 weeks old. She was born with a rare liver disorder. The statistics of this was 1 in 1,000,000. What made it worse was that the disorder was supposed to be genetic. When my parents, their siblings and parents were tested the gene wasn't found in anyone. So Tracy was a genetic mutation. Those statics are 1 in 10,000,000. So as you can imagine we were devastated! We watched my Baby Sister deteriorating before our eyes. She was in Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis IN. The nurses, Doctors and Specialists that attended to my Sister were absolutely phenomenal! They did absolutely everything they could to help her. When they couldn't do anything else we waited until the day she passed away. We all knew that she went to Heaven because she didn't live long enough to sin. Of course our first reaction was to be FURIOUS with God for allowing all those injustices happen to a new born baby. Mom and Dad allowed biopsies to be done of her liver. There were 5 and they were sent all over the world with one staying at Riley. Fast forward to 3 years later. I was singing in a concert at my High School and Mom and Dad had a new healthy baby girl. Staci Jo was being fussy during the concert and Mom was shushing her. The family behind her told her that she wasn't bothering them. They enjoyed hearing her crying. They had a Grandson that was born with the same disorder that my baby sister Tracy was born with. The doctors were keeping him alive from studying a little girl (Tracy) liver sample. Unfortunately he had no quality of life. He wasn't able to cry. Fast forward to several years later. My daughter Danielle was rapidly loosing weight due to an acid reflux issue. At 6 months old her body was in total ketosis. The Specialist instantly looked into her liver. Needless to say it freaked me out. The Liver Specialist at Riley explained to me that my baby sister's (Tracy) disease was a manageable disease now thanks to the research that was done on Tracy's liver. We received 2 confirmations that Tracy Dawn Couchman's life (however short) wasn't in vain. God had a purpose for her even though we didn't see it at the time of her short existence and passing. Let's just say my perspective has changed on Tracy. At first we're praying continuously for her healing. Then the prayers turned to WHY!?!? After that thankful. God chose my family to endure watching Tracy be poked, tested and deteriorating. He felt we were strong enough to handle it. He chose my Sister to be a revolutionary in the medical field. And He gave us confirmation that her life was necessary to help others in the future. God laid it on my parents hearts to allow biopsies of her liver done. Even though they had just watch her be born, be sick, get tested and die all in a matter of weeks. I believe that this made us stronger.
Wow… just wow. I honestly have no words as to how powerful this story is. So completely heartbreaking and also a miracle. What a gift your sister was to your family and people all over the world. Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️❤️❤️
Your welcome. I miss her everyday. But I thank God that He let us have her for the short time we did. The researchers were able to learn so much from her but so did we.
I’m walking through this very thing right now. I prayed for my daughter and she died. She was 24..it was a year on March 24,2025 and I am angry..but, I’m hanging on with bloody fingertips
Oh Dawni, my heart is reaching out for yours right now. That’s such a hard road to walk and I want you to know I am so proud of you for taking it to God. He’s not fragile, He will hear it all. Keep holding on by those fingers lovely ❤️❤️❤️
My favorite sentence…..God isn’t fragile. What a powerful reminder of Who He Is!
He’s really amazing at walking us through it with a gentle hand each and every time ❤️❤️❤️
Another good post. Thanks! I'm mindful that God gave us emotions - even our grief. I think much of the psalmists and their crying out to God. I resonate. I think of Job and his desperation, all while he is considered upright. But I'm also reminded that God doesn't "show up" until Chapter 38 of Job. God wants to change me MORE than He wants to change my circumstances.
I absolutely love the Psalms!
Another of your deeply thought provoking writings Sarah.
They often cause me to stop….pause while I ask….God is that me?
It often is.
I’ve never really been a big questioner (maybe I was unsure what to ask, or scared of the answer) but in what has been a long winter season in my life, I very recently just sat, in the quiet, and knew that He could take not only my big questions, but the even bigger feelings.
As I poured out the pain and the questions of why, I felt Him.
In those dark hours, came out the grief I had been holding in for so long.
And I felt Him, truly felt Him, because that very raw version of me, was me.
I didn’t have to come in any other form.
Just a broken girl pouring out her heart in the safest place….His embrace.
Oh lovely, I think that’s the best way to go to Him. Sometimes I think He’s waiting for us to say what’s really going on, the truly ugly parts and all. I often find it’s when the best work begins ❤️❤️❤️
So true.
I have tended to be a present the best version of myself person, but I have moved away from that, and would rather just be the Child of God, walking an authentic walk, and wanting to represent His goodness and the longing of His heart to meet us where we are at.
For me, that has been the beginning of true healing.
The best version of myself to me, meant perfect. Always smiling, always available beyond capacity.
Now I ensure that I am never so busy that I can’t set aside time to spend with Him. To sit in the quiet and know He is God.
This always led to an innate sense of failure.
I am also going through this...not in the same way as others, but in my way. My way is how much I long to find a good man to share my life with; to be married. I am almost 41 and still waiting. I have dated men, several good men, but for some reason they have walked away. It feels like every time I get my hopes up, my heart ends up being crushed. I'd take any prayers that I could finally have this 15+ year prayer and desire fulfilled. Thank you for sharing this. It made me cry. Always love your posts. They are so real and raw.
That longing, that ache—it’s so real. I feel it in your words, and I just want to hold space for you in it. I know what it’s like to carry a deep, persistent prayer year after year, wondering if God sees, if He hears, if He will ever say “yes.” And I know how hard it is when hope rises, only to be met with heartbreak again.
I don’t have answers, but I do know this: your desire is not forgotten. You are not forgotten. The waiting can feel cruel, but it is never wasted in God’s hands. I am praying—praying for the right man, and for peace in the waiting, for joy that isn’t dependent on an outcome, and for the assurance that you are deeply loved and whole, even now.
Thank you for sharing your heart. You are seen. You are loved. And I’m standing with you in prayer.
Thank you for praying withe me. It means so much to me.
I really really needed this one today. Life has felt so heavy for so long now and I've felt like I'm drowning. And it's so easy to be mad at God for letting it go on and on, with no end in sight. I like to remind myself that these may be times of refinement, to make me more like Him. And why wouldn't I want to be more like the creator and lover of my soul? So, I'll be mad for a little while, then cry to Him, and finally accept that this is all part of my testimony 🩷
Oh sister, I have been in this exact place. Where the refining feels almost unbearable and wondering if it will ever end. Take all of it to God, ad many times as you need, He doesn’t shy away. He will walk with you through it all and one day you will see. Praying for you ❤️❤️❤️
So many of us feel this way. Praying for a certain outcome. God has other plans. Shared!
Thank you lovely 🥰
What a beautiful read, and so inline with what many of us need to hear right now.
Aww, thank you so much. I have an itch to touch the topics we often don’t want to question. Thanks for taking a moment to read it ❤️❤️❤️
why? i can relate. but i am asking. because He does what He pleases. Who has ground to complain? excessive rights.
Hi Sarah, such a lovely post once again. Yes in my deepest desperation I felt I did feel the anger/resentment but immediately I was super scared that God will be annoyed at me for not putting my trust in Him. I was scared of being punished even or my prayers won't be heard. But our God is highly compassionate and merciful. He relents from doing harm. His plans are to prosper us. But then I immediately corrected myself and said I have seen his faithfulness in the past and He will come again! He does not change like shifting shadows. He is working behind the scenes...I prayed 'Lord, replace my fear with faith'
Sarah I can see how God has and is using your previous scars and your life's experiences in reaching out to others and being able to write these posts, which I can see are from the bottom of your heart. And only those who have experienced God's faithfulness will be able to reach out to others in the way you do. Thank you xx