Backpack Of Pain

For most of my life, I had this ability to tuck my trauma into a very real, yet invisible backpack that sat safely upon my shoulders. I would zip it up quickly, once I had tucked what needed to be tucked away and move on.

It made me feel as if I was strong, unbreakable, able to stand on my own two feet, because there was never time to stop and acknowledge the injustice, to grieve, to sift through all the pieces and decide which ones to carry and which ones to let go.

So I carried them all… my own and others, and I believed that God would one day take them all away with the click of fingers. As if by a miracle the pain of the past and the trials of the future would cease to exist. As if all the memories and feelings I had locked away would just dissolve.

But I feel everything.

I hid the hurt I felt for myself and others by placing on a smile and tackling life as if every failure or every rejection didn’t cut like a knife to my heart. Because I was unstoppable.

Then one day… the straps to my backpack broke. It slipped from my shoulders and fell to the ground, the zip splitting wide open. And I came face to face with it all. No longer could I tuck it all away and pretend it didn’t exist, even as the heavy load weighed me down. I had to finally confront it all head on, sift through the mess, the pain, the memories and what it had done to me, how it shaped who I had become.

And that place you have to walk through… no one can help. No one can fix you. No one can understand.

But God can…

His word does…

His promises are truth…

You don’t think you will be able to make it through and out the other side. The months roll on and you can’t see any difference and you wonder how you can continue to walk through the trauma you chose to confront.

But then you begin to look back. You take note of the things you can now do. Where once you couldn’t sit in the silence, you now can. When there was a time you could not sleep, you now do. When your thoughts took over, now you can control them. When the days your heart would almost beat out of your chest, now it’s only on occasion.

Through it all, Jesus was by your side and the Holy Spirit was whispering comfort even if you were unaware.

But awareness comes.

You begin to see how strong you are. You start realise you have value and worth. You understand that boundaries need to be set and you hold out your hands, open your fingers and drop the shame and self blame you have carried from things that were completely out of your control. You begin to see the wisdom gained, the trials conquered and the testimonies that had risen from the ashes.

I still need to be handled with care. Because like I said, I feel everything and maybe that’s a good thing. But I will never have to do it alone. Ever. Even if I feel alone. Because God is with me always.

I don’t know what you’ve walked through or continue to battle, but I pray this raw, real, piece reaches someone who needs to read it. Depression, anxiety, health issues, ptsd, abuse, childhood trauma, loss, grief. There’s so much, and sometimes it’s too much to face at the time, so maybe you put it in a backpack like I did. I get it… God gets it. But I want to know that you are brave, strong, amazing, called and loved by love itself. And with your Heavenly Father you don’t have to walk it alone.

Love Sarah x.

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