Where are they?

My Journey posts are where the words get real…

Sometimes my heart longs to write every ache or disappointment that it feels. As if putting it on paper allows me to pull the large splinter out and then rub balm over the wound it left.

But sometimes, I sit on the subject that’s swirling around in my mind. I let it either dissolve or become a topic that refuses to be silenced, until I confront it . I know to pause for a time because I often make decisions emotionally rather than logically. On occasion I’ve dived in head first a little too quickly and regretted the decision later. But this feeling just didn’t go away and I felt that someone really needed to read this and know they’re not alone.

This year for me has been a healing year. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to tell you all about it, but I’m not quite there just yet as the Lord prompts me to wait a little longer. But as I continue to work on myself and finally dig into my past, I did something I would never normally do…

I reached out to friends at the start of this year. Lots of them and I told them what I was going through. For me, this was a huge step and frightening. Would they judge me? Would they think I’d lost my mind? Would they understand? But regardless of the thoughts swimming in my head, I reached out and laid it all bare. I needed them. I needed support. I needed prayer. I needed a hug. I needed someone to listen. So what happened you may ask…

No one showed up. I’m not even exaggerating on that. Not one person came to my house and sat with me, had a coffee on my sofa, gave me the hug I so desperately needed, and my heart broke.

So this is the part where I start to make excuses. I tell myself that I could have driven to them or asked them to meet me. I could remind myself some of them work. I can soothe myself and remember that they have family and lives to live. If I got too hard on myself I’d start whispering that maybe I was the bad friend. But this year, I’m not going to do that.

No, this year, the more time I spend in prayer and relationship with the Lord, the more He has showed me my worth. He supported when I felt at my lowest. When I struggled to make it through a day. My world became surviving and not thriving. Most of all, He showed me that He is all I need in those times and I am responsible for what I allow.

You read that right… I am responsible. I taught people that I’m okay with them not showing up because I kept silent. I thought being a Christian was all about love and forgiveness and sometimes brushing behaviours under the rug. And it is. But even when behaviours didn’t change in people I just shrugged and told myself that I can’t change them and that’s just who they are.

See, I’m the girl that used to arrange coffee dates. I’m the girl who drove into town to meet them or go to their homes. But not so much the other way around, I began to notice.

A month ago I took a brave step back and stopped calling them. I still love them all and wish them every blessing. They are my sisters in Christ. But I’m no longer chasing and I feel a deep peace with the decision. It wasn’t easy and I spoke to the Lord about it a lot! Then one day after I finished praying, I read a quote by Dr Caroline Leaf and it brought it all home to me…

Stop blaming & resenting people for showing up in ways that don't align with you. Ask yourself why you keep going back to them. @drcarolineleaf

Sometimes we love people so much, we tolerate what we shouldn’t. When you are valued, those who truly value you will show up. Look for those people, pray the Lord helps you find those people.

I get that there are going to be times you can’t show up. But let’s not get into a pattern of making excuses. I’m preaching to myself here too! I want to be more like Christ, and I plead the mind of Jesus over myself daily. But that doesn’t make me immune to hurt. So when I think of Jesus through my hurt and disappointment, I see a saviour who understands.

I’m sure he was hurt and disappointed by His disciples always questioning . I’m sure he was broken-hearted over Peter’s denial. Even so, He still loved them, but I wonder if He would have continued to hang around if they hadn’t have been convicted of their behaviours.

I know this is a long post, but I truly felt that someone is really struggling to let go of a friendship that is not producing fruit. It’s causing hurt and anxiety that doesn’t belong. I want you to know that it’s no accident you are reading this.

You can still love that person and pray for them. But maybe God is asking you to step back and put your eyes on Him and your focus into those that are going to love you back the way you need to be loved.

I hope sharing my own story helped even a little. Just remember even if you feel alone, you are never alone. You have a God watching and walking with you always.

Love Sarah,xx.

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. - Proverbs 18:24-25

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

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