Prone to Wander

There are times when following Jesus feels beautifully simple. His voice feels clear, my heart feels settled, and trusting Him comes naturally.

Then there are other times… Times where I catch myself wandering again.

I have a habit of wandering. Not with my feet, but with my heart, my mind. I wish I could tell you that the longer I’ve followed Jesus, the less I feel the pull of my old life. But if I’m being honest,I don’t think that’s true.

Old habits have a way of quietly finding the door again. Addictions I thought I’d finally buried suddenly start whispering my name. Thoughts I know don’t lead anywhere good somehow begin taking up space in my mind again. Coping mechanisms God has patiently been asking me to lay down start looking strangely comforting when life feels overwhelming.

It’s unsettling how familiar they still feel.

I really don’t think we talk about that enough.

Yes, we love Jesus. We know He’s good. We’ve experienced His mercy, His faithfulness and His grace. Yet somehow the very things He rescued us from can still try to pull us back. Not because they ever satisfied us, but because they’re familiar. They know where to find us when we’re tired, discouraged, lonely or afraid.

Maybe that’s why so many of us stay quiet about the struggle. We worry people will question our faith, or assume we’ve somehow stopped growing. We quietly believe that mature Christians shouldn’t still wrestle with temptation, and if we’re honest enough to admit we do, perhaps we’re failing.

But I don’t think that’s what Scripture shows us.

When I read Paul’s words, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing,” I don’t see someone with weak faith. I see someone finally putting words around a battle that has lived inside every believer since the beginning.

Because I know that battle.

I know what it feels like to genuinely love Jesus while another part of me still reaches for things that were never good for me. I know what it’s like to recognise the voice of an old addiction before I’ve even realised I’ve been listening to it. I know what it’s like to catch myself slipping back into familiar thought patterns, familiar fears and familiar ways of coping that God has been patiently healing for years.

Sometimes I stop halfway through a thought and think, Lord… how did I end up back here again?

The strange thing about wandering is that it rarely happens in one big decision. It happens quietly. One thought we entertain a little too long. One compromise we justify because we’re exhausted. One distraction that slowly begins taking up more of our attention than Jesus does. Before long we realise our hearts have drifted somewhere we never intended them to go. To a path we promised we would never go down again.

The older I get, the more I realise following Jesus isn’t about reaching a place where I’m no longer tempted. It’s about learning to recognise His voice sooner. It’s about noticing when my heart is beginning to drift and having the humility to turn around before I wander any further.

I’ve also realised something else.

Jesus has never once responded to my wandering the way I expected Him to.

He has never folded His arms in disappointment. He’s never reminded me how many times we’ve had this conversation before. I’ve never heard Him whisper, “ Why can’t you stop doing that?”

Instead, He has always met me with the same gentle invitation.

Come back. I have you.

Perhaps that’s why I love the picture of Jesus as our Shepherd so much. Sheep are known for wandering. It’s simply what they do. Yet a good shepherd doesn’t stop looking because the sheep wandered yesterday, or last week, or a hundred times before.

He goes after them. Every single time.

The more years I spend walking with Jesus, the less impressed I am with my own ability to stay on the right path, and the more amazed I become by His determination to keep leading me back to it.

These days I don’t pray, “Lord, make me someone who never struggles.”

I simply pray, “Lord, keep me close.”

Because I know my heart is prone to wander. But I know my Shepherd is even more determined to bring me home.

Love, Sarah xx.

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Reflection: Is there somewhere your heart has been quietly drifting lately?

Perhaps it’s an old habit, an addiction, a familiar way of coping, or a thought pattern that’s been taking up more space than it should. Jesus isn’t asking you to hide it from Him. He’s inviting you to bring it into the light and let Him gently lead you back again.

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“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”-Romans 7:24-25

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Father, Thank You that I never have to pretend with You. You already know the places where my heart wanders. You see the old habits that still whisper, the addictions that promise comfort but leave me empty, the thoughts that steal my peace, and the familiar ways I still try to cope instead of running to You.

Thank You that You don’t respond to my wandering with shame or disappointment. You respond with compassion. Again and again, You remind me that Your grace is greater than my weakness, Your mercy is still new today, and Your invitation to come back has never changed.

Please help me recognise Your voice before I follow my own. Give me the courage to let go of the things You’ve been asking me to lay down, and remind me that nothing my old life offers could ever compare to the peace found in walking closely with You.

Keep my heart near Yours, Lord. When it begins to drift, gently turn it back towards You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.